Mommyhood

It's been a while since I posted anything about mommyhood and my boys.

I've always wanted kids since I can remember. I would be jealous of my friends who were pregnant because I wanted it to be me. But as time went by I hit my mid-thirties with no prospects of marriage and kids I decided it was time to do something about it myself. And thus began my journey into IVF and Mommyhood.

IVF was a success! Now I was the one who was pregnant, albeit with two. I was the one who felt all those little movements inside and was just amazed at how much the human body could stretch.

Then Valentine's Day arrived and so did Mick and Mack. And with that, everything changed.

Life is different now. I no longer have time to just watch a movie, read a book, take a long bubble bath. With two, everything is double. Two diapers to change, two bottles to make, two baths to give, the list goes on.

It's been a hard transition for me. I was so used to being able to do what I wanted when I wanted all the time. If I wanted to go to WalMart, I just went. If I wanted to read a book, I curled up on the couch and read. If I wanted to take a nice long nap on a Sunday afternoon, I did. With twins you can't do that. And at first I resented the intrusions. I mean, here were these two little creatures that did nothing but cry and cry and cry all the time. They never slept for more than 2 hours, they constantly wanted a bottle, and goodness gracious the diapers. I can honestly say that I do not remember the first two months. It's just a blur of feedings, changings, and burping. It felt like nothing but work with no rewards. Everyone kept telling me "oh don't worry, it'll get better" but I didn't believe it because I couldn't see it. I had to give up things. My beloved SUV turned into a mini-van. My dogs are now in new homes because I couldn't handle their adjustment or non-adjustment in the case of Luka. Now instead of buying myself that new outfit, I buy formula and diapers. It seemed like I had to give up everything I loved for them. So yeah, I resented.

Then one month turned into two and we got a first smile. Two months turned into three and we got a first laugh.

Now they're 4 months old (I can't believe it!) and life is beginning to change again. They're sleeping longer hours, 4-5 hours at night between feedings. They're eating more at feedings so they go a little longer between bottles. They're eating cereal and baby food now.

The best part is they are smiling, laughing, cooing, talking, and giggling. If you tickle Mick's neck he just laughs and laughs and laughs. Mack's a little more stubborn, he makes you work for the laugh but it's worth it. When they wake in the morning and smile at me when I go to them in their crib, my heart just melts. Mick will sit in his high chair and smile like crazy. And when he smiles his whole face lights up. Mack wakes up talking and moving his arms and legs, it's like he's telling me...come get me I'm ready! He's such a happy bright-eyed child in the morning. And when he smiles, I see myself in him. He's the spitting image of me as a baby.

They still have their days of crankiness. One day Mick will be happy go lucky and Mack is pure cranky or vice versa. And then every once in awhile both of them are just in a great mood all day and the day is filled with nothing but joy.

At 7pm they get their last bottle before bed. Mick (who always takes his time eating) will usually go to bed with little fuss after his. Mack (who is my gulper) fights sleep and going to bed. He either wants to play or fuss but not sleep. So I'll sit in the rocker with him while he kicks his legs and fusses because he doesn't want to lay down and I'll hum "Lullaby and Good Night" to him over and over. And usually it takes about half an hour for it to work. But there's nothing better than sitting there rocking my son, smelling his hair, comforting him, and loving him. I never knew the human heart could hold so much emotion. I never knew your heart could live outside your body until now.

I had to learn to do this though. My "mommy instinct" didn't kick in right away. I had to learn a lot from my mama. She's been through one tough journey with me to get where we are and it hasn't been easy on her, I know. She constantly stays on me about eating, keeping myself well, staying on top of feedings and changings. I do all the boys laundry with mine, I wash their bottles two to three times a day, change their clothes when they spit up, all the little things that go along with babies that I didn't know about. I didn't know how to "babytalk" to them. For me, I just watched them with a sense of awe, fear, excitement, and nervousness. I was scared of them, of doing something wrong and hurting them, of not being good enough for them. But I've tried to pick up a lot of the work around the house too. Washing the dinner dishes, keeping the diaper pails empty (although I forget sometimes), keeping the living room straight, packing up little things to prepare for the move next year, running the vacuum so she doesn't have to, buying a grill because she loves to cook on a grill. I know I can do more and should do more and I'm working on that.

I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. It's very real. If anyone had ever told me that I'd be depressed and on medication I'd've laughed em out the door. But it's real. It's so very very real. I cried for a solid month after they were born. I didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep, and I walked around like a zombie. Adding to the depression was the fact that my c-section incision didn't heal and I'm still walking around with a hole in my belly today...well everything just kinda went to hell in a handbasket and I was reeling from it. Still am 4 months later.

So I had to learn my mama's instinct from GiGi. She gets down on the floor with them and gets them both just a giggling. She always has time to talk to them, love on them, play with them, and enjoy them. Course when one has a poopy diaper it's "Oh Mommy, got a present for you!" She is a blessing with my boys. And she is a blessing to me. I hope she realizes how much she means to me and how much I want to share my sons with her. I don't want her living in Alabama, only seeing my dad on weekends and by herself all the time. I want her to love life and in watching her with my sons, I see that she loves life again. I would be lost without her. Her strength, her love, her stubbornness (which I got honestly), her cooking (LOL), her selflessness in giving of herself. Without her, I don't know if I could have done this by myself. I thank God every day for giving her to me as my Mama.

I go back to work next week. And I had a complete and total meltdown this week about it. I was crying, couldn't breathe, couldn't think, and couldn't function. I am literally petrified about going back to work. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I have to leave the boys during the day, I don't know if it's because of lack of sleep and not knowing how I'm going to cope. I don't know if it's just stupidity. I just know it is. So I talked to Mama about it and she let me get it all out. She just listened and when I was ready to hear her advice she gave it. She somehow always knows instinctively when the right time to give advice has arrived. She talked me down from my panic attack and helped me.

Last night she sent me a letter filled with honesty, love, and hope. What she doesn't know is that I've worked on this draft for quite a while but wasn't ready to post it.

So what I want to say to her is this:

I love you.
I am lost without you.
You say you are blessed to be allowed in their lives full-time...I say "no, me and the boys are blessed to have you in our lives full-time!"
You have taught me how to reach my mama instinct and it's slowly but surely getting stronger.
You've taught me how to make my boys laugh.
You've taught me how to show them love.
And you helped pull me back from the brink when all I saw was darkness.

Yeah, we annoy each other. It's expected when two women live together. And yes, we are going to "bicker" over little things. But we'll get over those little things because there is so much love in this home that you can feel it when you walk in the door. And that's something special.

So with this said, if you try to go back to Alabama full-time, I'm coming to get you, hog-tie you, pack you up and bring you back home. It's our home. My boys need you, they love you, they adore, you. I need you, I love you, I adore you. This is your home too. It's OUR home. And we need each other.

Now wipe your eyes (like I had to) and smile because this journey is only just beginning. We've still got the terrible two's waiting on us! And with two little hooligans we better lock up the cabinets, toilets, drains, everything and get ready to hear "uh oh!" a LOT.

Life's only going to get better from here on out. Each day is a new beginning and we'll walk through it together.

I love you lady. I promise I'm going to be a good mommy, friend, and daughter. I promise, on our love.